The Packing/Paketimi

The Packing/Paketimi is the second installment of FEMRAT's series The Nuse Diaries/Ditaret e Nuses written together by Alba Veliu and Agoneta Zukaj. The series chronicles the journey of a young woman into marriage and the emotions that unravel as she confronts both the beauty and the binds of her culture.  


The Packing

What a controversy it is...
Seeing here portrayed by the stuff I own, the person who I was until now and the person who I am going to be. Together in one suitcase, I am putting the short silk dress I wore exhaustively this past summer and Tolstoy’s "Anna Karenina", which I always had with me the days I wore this dress to the park. More than for my own possessions, I had to make room for my new designer evening gowns, my perfectly shining liras and my embroidered mindila.
The latter, various gifts from the "future", which, like it or not, I will have to wear.

Will it be possible for me to merge these two identities as effortlessly
in myself as I did in this suitcase?
Or will accepting the one mean losing the other?

 I let my thoughts run their course as I drifted into a peculiar reverie.
In an open, endless field of flowers, I saw myself standing in front of a young girl.
 It was fourteen year old me, just like in the picture above the oak credenza in the living room.
I kneeled to pick one of the hundreds of sunflowers to give to my younger self.
As soon as I got up, I was all alone and paralyzed by fear. 

The shrill sound of the voice of my seemingly disgruntled mother brought me right back to reality.
 Vajza ime, she said,
Ne shtepi te huaj kjo ngadalesi nuk do tolerohet.

Her words could, however, not get through to me.
I could not shake the paralyzing feeling of fear I had just experienced.
How I worry, dear diary, that my youth will disappear as soon as I close this suitcase...


Paketimi

Çfare polemike eshte...
Te shoh ketu portretizuar nga gjerat e mija, personi qe une kam qene deri me tani dhe personin qe une duhet te jem me tutje. Se bashku ne nje valixhe kam vene fustanin te shkurter mendafshi qe kam veshur me themel veren e kaluar, dhe ‘’Ana Kareninen’’ e Tolstoit, qe une gjithmone e kisha me vete ditet qe kam veshur kete fustan per ne park.  Me shume se per gjerat
e mia me duhet vend per fustanat mbremjesh nga dizajnere te njohura, lirat persosmerisht te ndritshme dhe mindilat te qendisura. Te fundit, dhurata te ndryshme nga e ‘’ardhmja’’ te cilat, me pelqen apo jo, une kam per te vesh. 

Do jete e mundur per mua ti bashkoje keto dy identitete aq lehte ne veten time
siç kam bere ne kete valixhe? 
Apo do thote pranimi i njeres humbja e tjeres? 

Keto mendime me sollen ne nje enderr te çuditshme. 
E pash veten duke qendruar ne nje fushe lule te hapur dhe te pafund. Perballe meje qendronte nje vajze e re. Ajo isha une vete, 14 vjecare, ne dukje pikerisht si ne foton siper kabinetit te lisit ne dhomen e pritjes. U gjunjezova per te marr nje luledielli qe doja te ja dhuroja vetes sime 14 vjecare. Kur u ngrita isha vetem une dhe u ndjeva e paralizuar nga frika. 

Tingulli mprehte i zerit te nenes sime, e cila me sa duket ishte shume e pakenaqur, me beri te vi perseri ne realiteit.  
Vajza ime, me tha, 
Ne shtepi te huaj kjo ngadalesi nuk do tolerohet.

Ne ate moment kisha te veshtire per te kuptuar fjalet e saj. 
Ende e ndjeja friken paralizuese qe une sapo kisha perjetuar. 
Kam merak, i dashur ditar, se rinia ime do te zhduket ne momentin qe e mbylli kete valixhe...