Shqetesimet/The Worrying

Shqetesimet/The Worrying is the first installment of FEMRAT's series The Nuse Diaries/Ditaret e Nuses written together by Alba Veliu and Agoneta Zukaj. The series chronicles the journey of a young woman into marriage and the emotions that unravel as she confronts both the beauty and the binds of her culture.  


SHQETESIMET

Një gjë e caktuar se nëna ime do thoshte, ka qëndruar gjithmonë me mua. 
Kur une isha nje vajze e re, shpesh e dëgjoja nenen time duke derdellis me grate e tjera:
Per vajzat më vjen keq gjithmone. Nuk ju dihet kismeti. 

Besoj qe nuk e kam kuptuar me te vertete peshen e këtyre fjaleve deri ne naten e fundit. Duke i renditur njezet e dy vjet te gjerave te mia, fillova të humbni kontrollin e emocioneve të mia qe unë kisha shtypur aq forte se bashku me këto kuti: plehra, per te dhuruar, per te sjelle me vete. E kapa veten duke qesh nën hundë me paradoxin e skenës. Si e rregullt çdo gjë u shfaq para meje, por pasiguria e së ardhmes peshonte rëndë në gjoksin tim.

Nena ime, me intuiten e saj mbinjerezore, ndjen kete menjehere dhe biseda jone çoi ne njepërqafim duke i kujtuar ditet e kaluara kur kerkonim siguri në përqafimin e njëra-tjetres. Duke e pushuar kokën në prehër të saj, u transportova ne netet kur e fergoja barkin e saj, duke pëshpëritur lutjen e vetem qe gjyshja me kishte mesuar, vellait tim te vogel qe ende e kishte barkun e nanes shtepi. Ne vitet e mevonshme te jetes sime, kam pasur bekimin e te qenit ne gjendje per te folur me nenen per çdo gje. Në vitet e mëvonshme të jetës sime, e kam kuptuar qe ky bekim ishte poashtu nje mallkim.

Duke i mbajtur lotet, dhe duke zhdervjellur pasigurite e mija ne preher te saj, u shqetesova per menyren se si shqetesimet e mia do te vazhdojne te shqetesuar ate, pasi qe te shkoj.
I tregoj per menyren se si kjo familje e re ka deshtuar te me pranoje.
Ajo me thot se kjo eshte vetem nje çeshtje kohe.
I thoja se nuk e di nese ndonjehere do jem ne gjendje per te shikuar pertej gabimet te kaluara.
Ajo me u pergjigj, se e vetmija e nevojshme per mua eshte per te pare buzeqeshjen e
shpejt të jetë bashkëshortit çdo mengjes. 
Ajo me perqafoi dhe ngadale dyshimet e mia u kthehen ne kurajo, 
kur e ndjeva nje lot mbi supet e mia.

Per vajzat me vin keqe gjithmone. Nuk ju dihet kismeti. 

E shqetesuar ne lidhje me shqetesimet e saj per mua.
Keto dite, gjithmone e shqetesuar.


THE WORRYING

A certain thing my mother would say has always stayed with me.
When I was a young girl, I would always hear my mother chatter with the other women: 
 Per vajzat me vin keqe gjithmone. Nuk ju dihet kismeti.

I don’t think I’ve really understood the weight of these words until last night. As I sorted twenty-two years of belongings, I began to lose control of the emotions I had so tightly subdued all of these years alongside the boxes I had designated trash, donate, bring. I caught myself giggling at the paradox of it all. How orderly everything appeared in front of me, yet the uncertainty of the future weighed heavy on my chest. 

My mother, with her superhuman intuition sensed this immediately and soon enough our conversation led to a snuggle session reminiscent of all the times in the past we have sought security in each other’s embrace.  As I rested my head in her lap, I was transported back to the nights where I rubbed her tummy for good fortune, as I whispered the sole prayer my grandma had taught me, to my little brother whose home was still our mother’s stomach.
In the later years of my life, I’ve had the blessing of being able to speak to her about everything. In the later years of my life, I have also grown to recognize this blessing as a curse.

As I gulped back tears and unraveled uncertainties into her lap,
I worried about how my worries will continue to worry her after I move.
I tell her about how this new family has failed to accept me.
She tells me it is only a matter of time.
I tell her that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see past wrongdoings.
She tells me that the only thing I need to see is my soon to be husband’s smile each morning.
As she hugged me closer and made my doubts drift into courage, I felt a teardrop on my shoulder.

 Per vajzat me vin keqe gjithmone. Nuk ju dihet kismeti. 

I worry about her worries for me. 
I’m always worrying these days.